Difficult Marriages and Divorce

In 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, 110 through 15. And welcome back to church. I’m going to talk about difficult marriages and divorce. What does God say about that? I mean, we’ve been going for a few minutes and y’ all are like, it’s getting close to Easter.

Shouldn’t we start doing the feel good messages? For the last few weeks, we’ve been talking about disunity and division and singleness and sex and all those things that what God sees versus our culture. Culture says one thing and God says another. And Paul gives us a great teaching on all these things that we need to be instructed in the church to live well in. And everybody here probably knows people that have been affected by divorce.

Many of you have probably gone through the heartbreaking process of divorce. Or, you know, a friend that’s gone through divorce. I know most of my friends that I grew up with didn’t have parents that were together. All of us are kind of affected in some way. So this message is not only for those who are going through the process or have been through the process and want to see how God feels about it, but or what God says about it.

It’s also for those of you who may be going through a difficult time right now or you’re trying to minister to somebody who’s going through a difficult time. What does God say about that in First Corinthians? And we’re going to look at that. So this isn’t meant to be a judgmental message. This is meant to be an encouraging message for us to look at what God wants for us.

So if you have your Bibles, and I hope you do, or your app or whatever you’ve got available for you, I don’t think we have our app running this morning with our notes in it. So there are paper notes so that you can follow along. And we’re looking at First Corinthians starting with verse 10 of chapter 7. And it says, to the married, I give this charge, not I, but the Lord. Wait a minute.

Doesn’t Paul say everything in the Holy Spirit? I mean, why is he saying not I but the Lord? Why is he doing that? Isn’t everything he says of the Lord? Absolutely.

But what he’s doing here is he’s pointing to Jesus. He says, not I. But this is what Jesus says about what I’m getting ready to teach you. And Jesus had taught clearly on divorce in Matthew 19, which I’m going to dig into for in a few minutes. And it says this, the wife should not separate from her husband.

That word separate is chorizo, not the sausage. Okay? It’s actually pronounced a little different, but it looks like that. And it means separate, which in the vernacular for that day meant divorce. It’s not just separate, it was divorced for those of you who have divorced from your husband.

But if she does get divorced, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband, and the husband should not divorce his wife. So pretty straightforward, right? But then Paul puts a little wrinkle in it here. In verse 13, he says, if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. So what’s going on here?

Here’s the situation. There are a lot of new believers in the Church of Corinth, and some of them were getting saved and their spouses weren’t. And there was a lot of conflict in the house. There was a lot of things going on. They didn’t understand.

There was a spiritual battle going on. They were mocked and they were agonized, and they were like, okay, it’s probably just better to divorce this person. Get the spiritual dead weight off of me so that I can serve the Lord. In fact, wouldn’t God want that? Doesn’t God?

Isn’t that what God would want for me? Maybe somebody that I can partner with that was saved and walking with the Lord? And Paul says, no, even if you think it is better for you to spiritually be separated from your spouse, you should stay with them. You should be with them. He’s acting them here first, because marriage is a covenant.

Marriage is a covenant established by God, as we learn in Matthew 19. And Paul in verse 10, points back to Jesus and what he says about divorce, that in the beginning, God created man, male and female, and they became one. One flesh, one and everything. And the second reason is that God, in his sovereignty, has put you in your unbelieving spouse’s life for a reason. And we’ll get into that in a second.

And verse 14, it says, for the unbelieving husband is made holy because he his wife. And the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean. But as it is, they are holy. Now, this can be confusing or it can be confusing.

I mean, some persons even say they’re saved through them. They’re made holy through them. You mean to tell me if I’m saved, then my wife’s saved or my husband’s saved if it’s an unbelieving spouse? Well, Paul is using A Jewish metaphor here to speak set apart in the literal sense. That your family by way of you being set apart, this is good for your family because they have an opportunity.

Your unbelieving spouse has an opportunity to be connected to the gospel and see the gospel lived out. I think of Lee Strobel who came to Christ, the great apologist that wrote Case for Christ. He said he never. He came to Christ through his believing wife. He was an unbeliever for many years, but watched how she lived for Christ and came to Christ.

He says this special opportunity for them to experience the gospel and your kids to have the opportunity to see and be exposed to the gospel. So by you living in this situation, there is a reason for it. And I’ve heard many stories of households that have whole households that have been saved but based on one person being faithful. Some of you are those people, a grandmother or a grandfather or a mother or father or aunt or uncle. And they stayed faithful even when nobody else in the family was a believer.

And ultimately you experienced the life giving message of Jesus through them. And now you are a follower of Christ. And maybe that’s your role in this season. Maybe you’re in a difficult season where everybody’s unbelieving in your family and you feel like this is just, this isn’t going to work. Hold steady because God is using that moment for something.

So here we see that in verse 15. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be. Remember, that’s divorce. Let it be. So in such cases the brother or sister is not bound.

So in context, not bound means that you are no longer, you could be remarried, you’re free to remarry, you’re free to divorce and remarry. So here we have an exception to Jesus, don’t get divorced teaching. And while Paul’s rationale for why it’s okay, here is the last part of this verse. Because God has called you to peace, there’s going to be times where you’re going to have to make decisions that isn’t God’s best, but you’re called to be. If an unbelieving, a believer in a marriage says, I can’t do this anymore, I’m out, even though you once said to God, till death do us part, what he’s saying here is if they walk away from that covenant, you are free to let them go because that covenant is dead.

God didn’t intend it that way, but that’s the way it is and he gives us an out here. So there’s an exception. There an exception to the rule? Are there other exceptions to the rule? Let’s go Back to Matthew 19 and see what Jesus says.

And I’m going to argue that Paul felt the freedom to make exceptions based on the rationale of what Jesus was saying in the Scriptures earlier In Matthew, Matthew 19:3, 9, the Pharisees were trying to set him up. It says. In verse three, it says. And the Pharisees came up to him and tested him and asked. Now, this wasn’t an honest pastoral question, okay?

They were trying to set him up. They wanted to trap him theologically so the people around them would disagree with them and that people would be mad at him. Remember John the Baptist when he talked about divorce? Casually divorcing and remarrying. He was killed.

They were thinking that. And they asked this. Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for just any cause? They wanted to ask him that question. He said, have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female?

So he points back to Jesus, right, and said, therefore a man shall. Or this is Jesus himself. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.

So Jesus answers, no, it’s not. Okay, pretty straightforward. Jesus Then quotes Genesis 2 and says, from the very beginning, God created male and female, a lifelong covenant lasting until death. So no man and a woman should ever dare separate themselves from the union that they established with God in marriage. He has made you one entity, one body, one soul when you come together.

That’s why I make the argument with married couples all the time. If you have split bank accounts or if you’re doing life differently or your groceries are different, you’re one person. This is spiritually and in everyday, practical life. My marriage advice for many people who struggle with marriage. You got to get your stuff together.

You’re open in every area. Yeah, it’s okay to have two different bank accounts, but do you have access? Some people I’ve even counseled that don’t even have bank accounts. They share and know what’s going on in them. I mean, that.

Come on, guys. Like, we’re one or one people. We’re one. When you’re married, you become one. Desirable only by death.

Verse seven, he says they said to him, why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce? Because back in Deuteronomy, Moses said, if a man takes a wife and marries her if he finds some indecency in her, that was his reasoning, then you could divorce her. So they were like, if you’re saying that they aren’t to divorce, and in Moses, you’re contradicting Moses. That’s kind of a big thing back then, you know, you can’t contradict Moses, then you’re a false teacher, and there’s something going wrong here. And then he responds, he said to them, because of your hardness of heart, because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wife.

But from the beginning, it was not so. It was not meant to be that way. So in context, Jewish scholars had long taught the difference between a command and. And a concession. A command and a concession.

A command is something that God wanted for all people. It was a law put in order, something that God wants all people everywhere to do. And then there’s a concession, which God allowed because of man’s fallen condition and in order to keep peace in a society filled with people at different spiritual maturity levels, he has allowed something to happen. And Moses allowance of divorce, Jesus said, was not a command, it was a concession. And the Pharisees actually knew that because they wanted to get him to this other part here, the second part of the tribe, which concerned Moses with this thing called indecent.

What is indecent? What is indecent? There were two rabbis in that day, Rabbi Shema and Rabbi Hillel. And they had two different opinions. The conservative view and a liberal view.

We’re kind of familiar with that today, aren’t we? Right? Rabbi Shema said this. He said the sexual indecency was anything that was sexually immoral gave you an out that only if a man discovers his wife has been sexually unfaithful, he can divorce her, kind of lining up with Jesus. And.

And that’s the conservative position. But Hillel was more of a progressive, and he said, and decency meant anything you didn’t like about her or him, Just anything. Behavior, cooking skills, whatever. You know, it coughs all night, whatever it is, you know, like. Like, I’m out of this.

He snores too loud in his sleep. I mean, I would be divorced right now if Miranda used that as indecency. Right? I got. I’m out.

Come out. I’m not kidding about this. We even have a record of this rabbi saying, if she consistently burns the bread, you may divorce her. And the Pharisees are trying to find favor with the people because most of the people in that culture actually were abiding by that. So he was turning the People against him.

And they knew that that was a very dangerous thing because what had just happened with John the Baptist. So what is Jesus? Answer? And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, even commits adultery, he takes it over to the next level. He doesn’t even stop there.

And Jesus comes in pretty stern on the side of the conservative position. He aligns with that. In fact, he strengthens it by saying it’s as good as adultery. Real big stuff here, right? This is hard.

This is hard. Now, not only is it wrong to divorce someone because of this, it’s really is deep and spiritual. And this is why God takes such a hard line on it. And Jesus based it off of Genesis 2. We always go back to Genesis 2.

So that means two lives confused together. And I know I’m repeating myself here, but I want you to understand this. That means your name, your finances, your bodies, your futures, your families, everything, nothing is apart. Leave and clean, right? I won’t get into that today, but that’s for another week.

But Paul would later explain marriage as a demonstration of the Trinity. Even he would. He would say, marriage between a man and a woman, and God is one. So they take it very, very seriously. Most people treat marriage like a consumer relationship.

What is a consumer relationship? With something? I think of it like a grocery store. I have a grocery store near me. The prices are good, it’s convenient.

I don’t have to drive that far. It has pretty much everything I want. If there’s ethnic stuff, I can get it there as well. So I don’t have to go anywhere. But if another grocery store opens up across the street, I like it better.

They might have a coffee shop or something like that. Prices are a little bit better there. And it’s still convenient. If it’s more convenient, I’m going there, right? That’s called a consumer relationship.

Could you imagine me coming up to my kids and saying, hey, I’ve been with the neighborhood kids and I’m a little bit happier with them, so I’m just going to call them my kids and you guys. Nobody would do that as parents. They just wouldn’t. That’s a consumer relationship. But that’s how we treat marriage and treat family all the time.

There’s a consumer relationship and then there’s a covenant relationship. A covenant relationship. According to Jesus, marriage is a covenant until death. The question is, is your relationship a consumer relationship or a covenant relationship? And then Paul goes on to explain that desertion of an unbeliever is an exception.

And here’s his logic. Because both adultery and assertion kill the covenant. So not only adultery kills the covenant. When someone leaves somebody. If an unbeliever leaves someone hanging and they’ve done everything they possibly can to heal that relationship and they abandoned them, then Paul’s saying, let them leave.

You’re released because they have killed the covenant relationship. Why? Because you are called to peace. Called to peace. Some of you are like, well, what about abuse?

What about illegal things? If you have a spouse that’s involved and illegal activity or your life’s in danger, first of all, get out of there as quick as possible. It’s okay to get away, get yourself separate from them, get the kids out of that situation. That’s good. But as far as divorce being an option, I would argue that the logic of Paul and Jesus exception would allow divorce to take place in those situations as well.

Because when they’re abusing you and they’re hurting you, they’re breaking a covenant. They’re breaking a covenant or putting your kids in danger. Now, this doesn’t mean, by the way, I’m divorcing them because I’m annoyed with them, okay? Or they’ve changed. They’ve changed and there’s somebody else now.

Or they are just not doing it for me anymore. We argue a lot. That’s not what they’re saying here. But you need to. To do this under close advise.

Pastoral counseling. Pastoral advisement. Bring it to a pastor, bring it to a counselor. In fact, we’ve got counselors connected with our church that you can go and see. And often a divorced spouse will spend a year or more coming to terms with the decision they make.

But they’ll visit the pastor after they’ve already made the decision and just affirm it for me, Pastor, I’ve been dealing for this for a year or two, but that’s not doing any justice for that person and it’s not doing any justice for me being a good pastor. So you need to immediately, if you’re having problems in your marriage or you’re going through a divorce or you’re going through a separation, to have that opportunity to be counseled so that you could be pastored well, you need to be pastored well. But the main point, from the beginning, God established marriage as a covenant, not a consumer relationship. It’s like amputating a leg. You’re not going to amputate a leg because of foot fungus, are you?

You’re not going to do that. Right? But we often do that. We’ve run to divorce right away, you know, over the silliest little things. It requires time to figure out the problem.

So second part of this message, I want to answer three questions that are, that are very common. How do I stay in a difficult marriage? Some of you are asking that, how do I stay in a difficult marriage? Let me give you a few points on that. First of all, like I said a few weeks ago, reject the perfect person myth.

There is no perfect person. Nobody’s perfect. In fact, you always marry the wrong person. And just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean you’re with the wrong person. Okay?

There’s going to be times of unhappiness, you know, because they were sinners, first of all. And people, you know, some psychologists even say people change about five or six times through their lifetime in a marriage. So people do change. And finally, you always marry the wrong person. You just do.

You always marry the wrong person because they need God like you need God. They need Jesus like you need Jesus. And I heard one counselor say the best hope for you in a marriage is less of a bad match. And to be clear, I’m not saying that you can’t genuinely have a great marriage. You can have a wonderful marriage and, and you can love each other deeply, but marriage is not going to fix the emptiness that you have.

Marriage is not going to fix that unhappy single person that’s insecure or lonely. That’s not going to fix what you need. Is the second point. The second point is do it for Jesus. Stay in that marriage for Jesus.

Look at that and process it. That you made in marriage was first and foremost to him. It was to him, even if you weren’t a Christian when you got married. Marriage was created by God for two people to become one in his name. And when people see your marriage, they see Jesus.

And I want you to think about when you get in trouble with your spouse or you’re getting in an argument with your spouse and you’re just ready to use the divorce word or whatever it is. I want you to look at them and can you forgive them? If you can’t forgive them, I want you to look past them to Jesus. Can you talk to Jesus? Jesus forgave you.

Can you forgive them? So you need to do it for Jesus. Another thing is soak yourself in God’s grace. Remember, God’s grace is on you and was on you and God gave you grace. Can you give that other person grace?

And what preceded Jesus teaching on Marriage in Matthew 19 was a man who was in so much debt that he couldn’t pay off his debt and he was forgiven. So in the context of what he was talking about with Matthew 19, they had just got through talking about how powerful forgiveness is and realizing that that is what changes your heart is Jesus and softens your heart is Jesus. In Matthew 19, Jesus quotes Moses concession on divorce. He says, because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives. But from the beginning it wasn’t that way.

Do you know that God can soften the hardest heart? Do you believe that if you’re in a difficult marriage, they can soften that hardened heart and then you do it for others? Who else is affected by your divorce? Just because you think you fall out of love with somebody, Kids, your children, particularly children and other people as well, and you probably don’t need me to cite the devastating statistics, but children of divorces are 4 times more likely to have social problems, 2 times more likely to drop out of school, 3 times more likely to need psychological help, 5 times more likely to be unable to keep a job. One secular author said, absolutely, you should stay married for your kids.

By the way, these stats don’t apply to abused people. Okay, I want to be fair, you know, get the kids out of an abusive environment. I’m talking about the disadvantages of people who just. Of children, of people who just say, I’m not in love anymore and I’m moving on. I just don’t feel the same way.

The other thing we have to consider as believers is what a divorce says to our kids and our community about the love of God. God. Because marriage should demonstrate God’s love. And what we decide to do will ultimately affect other people. It tells about God’s unconditional love.

Regardless of who and why. God is just so much bigger than our sin, our issues. We want to mimic God. Marriages are supposed to demonstrate that. I don’t want to minimize the power of God’s amazing grace for those who’ve made really big mistakes.

But the fact that God’s grace is amazing should cause us to take lightly the damaging power of sin. And that what I’m trying to point out here. Fourthly, get some counseling. I’m not going to head against, but get some counseling. I’ll hit on that a lot.

Okay, the second thing, Should I, Should I get remarried? Should I get remarried? Is it okay for me to get remarried? Okay. When a divorce is legitimate, remarriage is definitely an option.

And Paul says you are no longer bound. But just because you can get remarried doesn’t mean you should get remarried. Just because he gives you permission doesn’t mean you should. Remember what Paul said a couple of weeks ago in chapter six, that singleness is a gift. Chapter seven, the first part, that singleness is a gift.

Singleness can be an incredible gift because again, marriage is not going to make you happy single people. It will not. If you’ve divorced and it may be better for this season for your kids not to have someone else in the household, God might have a purpose on your life. You might have something he’s called you to do in your single time. Maybe there’s something the kingdom of God, as Paul said, I have more ability to minister and do the things I do because I’ve chosen not to be married.

But if after you have divorced and you think remarriage is a gift that God is bringing back to you, you can. So here’s a question you have to ask yourself a few questions. First, have I given God time to restore my previous marriage or did I rush out of it real quick? It’s amazing how people speed through this process so quickly. Like the amputation process.

I mean, cutting off a leg. You wouldn’t do that just because you have a little pain in your ankle. That’s what people do in marriage all the time. Even if you are separated and divorced, you ought to ask God to heal that previous marriage if at all possible. It’s important and give him time to do it.

Sometimes it takes a long time. By the way, nothing says that if a spouse commits adultery that the marriage has to be over. It doesn’t. Because let’s not minimize the grace and power of God to soften the hardened heart and help that marriage. Some of the best marriages I know are those that were healed, killed after adultery and after devastating sexual immorality.

In fact, I’ve got two friends, some of my closest friends. The man I’m not going to call names because I haven’t asked permission to do this. But they were for years divorced because the man was on drugs and alcohol, continually cheated on her, and divorce was made real for many, many years. Four kids, the whole nine yards. And one day God softened his heart, gave his life to Jesus and was changed and was healed.

And he and his wife came back together, which his wife was a believer. And they are a healthy, Bible believing heart after God. Family today and their kids are raised in the church and living that out as well. There’s a possibility, there’s always a possibility for healing in your marriage. And second, have I given God enough time for Me to.

Have I given God enough time? You know, my recommendation. I’ve always given this recommendation. If you had a nasty divorce or gone through a really bad season, give it at least two years. I mean, even before you date, if you rush into anything too quickly, if you’re not ready, you can make the same mistakes all over again.

Give God time to heal. And in the last question, if I’m divorced and remarried, I’m just gonna see so many people think that God’s mad at them because they made decisions that aren’t God’s best. I want to remind you that God was divorced. That God had the audacity to call himself a divorced person. In Jeremiah 3:8, he says, for all her adulteries, I gave faithless Israel a certificate of divorce.

But there was no sin on the side of God. What God does through the cross and resurrection, Jesus puts away the sin done by overturning the sin you did to him. That’s the beauty of Jesus. That’s the beauty of resurrection, that he can come in and bring things to life. That’s the beauty of the gospel of Jesus, that by the resurrection, God overturns the curse of death and the destruction that brought you into sin and infused the power of life inside of you so that the empty tomb inside your heart can be awakened to life, life in Jesus.

It’s the power of the gospel that the empty tomb is the answer to all the ravished souls that. That. That have gone through divorce. It’s the power of the gospel. That’s what the gospel is all about.

For, for those going through real marital problems, God can do something really amazing in the end through this trust given. Let him work through it, because he can bring it out far greater and far stronger. And you can think or you can even imagine. I mean, you could be better than you were when you were newlywed. I can do that.

That’s the power of God. And I’m not saying that’s for everybody, but that’s for someone in here today that’s going through a difficult situation. Maybe you’re sitting here realizing you’ve made terrible decisions, you’ve made terrible mistakes, and you think you can’t change that now. But the good news of the gospel is that those mistakes don’t mean God is done. He can’t touch even that part of your life with blessing.

Did you know that? The genealogy of Jesus, and I’m closing, by the way here, the genealogy of Jesus. The genealogy of Jesus has a prostitute as a great grandmother. And there’s so much brokenness marriage, brokenness and sin, sexual sin and Jesus genealogy. Get out of that mess.

God brought Jesus. God brought the Savior. And one of those relationships was David and Bathsheba. And what we know about David, he committed sexual immorality and killed the husband of Bathsheba, a murderer, a. A sexually immoral person.

But out of that, he brought Solomon, which was the line of, Jesus brought good things about that. I love how Tim Keller said it. He said, what does that mean other than God is trying to say to all of us, I love redeeming the worst situations. I love redeeming the hardest cases. Go ahead, try.

That’s what God says. Go ahead, try me. But some of you are like, I’m hurt. I’m just too hurt. You don’t know what they’ve done to me.

I think about Uriah, the. The husband of Bathsheba. And as he was healed and his wife was taken away from him, I’m sure he was probably up in heaven looking down. How in the world. How in the world did this happen to me?

Imagine God giving him an image of a man on cross that was going to be sacrificed. That that sacrifice not only covered the sins of David and the sins of Bathsheba, but it also covered Uriah’s sins. And now he’s in the presence of the Almighty God. That’s how big God is. He can take the worst situation, he can take the worst sin, and he can make it whole.

Because Jesus Christ died for you. He died for me. He died for all the sins I’ve ever committed. All the sin that you’ve ever committed. I don’t want you.

Some of you have walked in here today and you said, I didn’t even step into the door because I was afraid I’d get struck by lightning. Well, I got a chair up here. Here for you. That’s lightning proof. Okay, you’re good.

Because God. This room is lightning proof. Because God has a seat for you at the table. He says that in scripture. He’s already set the plate for you.

He’s already set the plate for you. Write this down. In the cross we find forgiveness of our sins done by us and healing for the ones done to us in this part of our lives. As with all others, we can say. What is that beautiful song?

Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now I’m found Was blind but now I see. Or the other hymn. The Lord has promised good to me his his word my hope secures he will shield and portion be as long can we pray. Thank you for your gospel, Jesus. If it wasn’t for your good news, Lord, we’d all be lost.

Holy Spirit, I allow you to just touch the hearts here today. Some of you in here, you’re hearing things from the Lord right now. What is the Lord telling you today? Maybe he’s telling you you need to give up some things, focus on your spouse more. For others of you, he may just be beckoning you to come to him.

Since my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Are you going through burden? Sometimes I got a burden that’s easy. Father, we thank you for the power of the Gospel God. I pray for healing, I pray for our marriages, I pray for our families.

I pray that we would take these words, Lord, carry them into our practical, everyday lives. And as Tim Keller so says the Lord is standing there. Just try me. That we would trust him with our relationships, that we would trust him with our marriages. Maybe there’s one today who’s never given their lives to Jesus.

Can I tell you your life is getting ready to be changed forever because God has been pulling at your heart and you’re ready to surrender to him. How do you do that? How do I give my life to Jesus? Says when you confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that he is Lord, you will be served. So today I ask you to confess with your mouth as you pray with me.

Father, I believe that you are the Son of God and that you died on the cross. You shed your blood for my sin, for everything that I’ve ever did. And I can be made new today because of the cross of Jesus, because God you sent your son to die for me. So I receive you as my Lord and Savior. I receive you as my king.

Come into my life, Lord. Change me forever. In Jesus name. Amen. If you gave your life to Jesus today, you can fill out that card and let us know.

We’d love to connect with you or share it with somebody at the table. We would love to take you down the next steps. Pass buckets around or anything. But if you would like to support Salt Church, you can. If you are a brand new guest with us today, please don’t feel compelled to give anything.

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We’ll see you right back here next Sunday.