Every marriage hits stretches where it is harder than you expected. Needs go unmet, expectations fall flat, and conflicts get parked instead of resolved. What you do in those stretches matters more than how you felt on your wedding day.
Marriage is a covenant
A consumer relationship lasts as long as it meets your needs. A covenant is a promise that holds when it does not. In Matthew 19:3-9 Jesus takes the question of divorce back to Genesis 2: two become one flesh, and what God has joined together no one should separate.
That is why Scripture takes divorce so seriously. It does recognize that some things break a covenant, and it speaks to those situations with care, in Matthew 19 and in 1 Corinthians 7:10-15. But the starting point is permanence, and that changes how you approach a hard season.
Drop the perfect-person myth
A great deal of marital disappointment comes from believing the right person would have made this easy. There is no such person. You married a sinner, and so did your spouse.
Staying in a difficult marriage means leaning on God's grace more than on your spouse's performance, remembering who else is affected, especially your children, and getting counsel early instead of as a last resort. Sometimes the best reason you have on a given day is that you are doing it for Jesus. That is reason enough.
Guard it on purpose
Hebrews 13:4 says marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure. Affairs rarely begin with a decision. James 1:14-15 describes the sequence: a desire, then being drawn in, then the act, then the damage. It starts as a thought, becomes emotional, and then becomes physical.
The good news in that sequence is that it can be stopped at any point, and earliest is easiest. Decide your standards before you are tempted. Redirect your thoughts when they wander. Be honest with each other, and have someone who can ask you direct questions.
Keep investing in each other
Unmet needs and unresolved conflicts are where trouble grows, so do not leave them alone. Talk openly. Keep physical intimacy a priority. Scripture treats sex within marriage as a gift that carries spiritual weight; Ephesians 5:31-32 connects the one-flesh union to Christ and the church.
Get on the same page about money as well. Couples who are united in how they spend, save and give remove one of the most common sources of conflict.
There is a way back
If your marriage has already been damaged, by unfaithfulness or anything else, the gospel is for exactly that. The way back involves naming the sin plainly, ending it, removing the opportunity for it, and receiving forgiveness. God redeems situations that look finished, and he heals people who have been through divorce as well.
Neither of you has to pretend. First Corinthians 6:11 describes people with every kind of past who were washed, sanctified and justified in the name of Jesus.
A next step
This week, set aside one unhurried hour with your spouse, with phones away. Each of you answer one question: "What is one thing I could do that would make you feel more loved?" Then do it. If you are in a serious crisis, or if you are not safe, reach out to a pastor or counselor now. Do not wait.
Go deeper
This article draws on messages preached at Salt Church. Watch or listen to them in full:
- Hair, Head Coverings, and Weird Teachings, Leon Dunning
- Difficult Marriages and Divorce, Leon Dunning
- Why Sex Matters, Leon Dunning
- Hope for Hurting Parents, Leon Dunning
- How to Affair Proof your Marriage, Leon Dunning